Content Warning: OCD/Anxiety
I was pleasantly surprised by this book. I am not normally a John Green fan and started reading it with low expectations, but actually enjoyed reading it and appreciated the representation of a character with OCD. Before I properly start my review, I will say that due to being triggered by some of the content, I wasn’t able to finish the book and had to stop reading at chapter 19. I have looked up summaries of how the book ends.
The protagonist of the novel, Aza, comes across as a fully fleshed out character. It helps that coping with her OCD isn’t the main storyline of the novel, as it shows Aza investigating the disappearance of Russell Pickett and reconnecting with his son, Davis, who she was friends with as a child. Green has managed to portray how consuming a mental illness like OCD can feel without making it Aza’s only personality trait. Her panic attacks and intrusive thoughts creep into her normal everyday life activities, such as in the first chapter when Aza is having lunch with her friends, Mychal and Daisy. While they are talking, she starts to go on an anxiety spiral and gives into her compulsions.
Another example of Aza not just being her mental illness is during her first date with Davis when they go stargazing together. It does eventually come up, but they discuss Davis’ dad going missing, the stars and poetry before it does. It felt like a realistic representation of OCD to me. You still have other interests and conversations but your mental illness is always with you, you can’t turn it off no matter how much fun you’re currently having, or how badly you want to kiss someone. Aza herself says “But I also had a life, a normal-ish life, which continued” (Page 93)
One issue I did have with this book was the way that Aza frequently called herself “crazy”, however it did get addressed by her therapist early on.
“‘I mean, I’m still crazy, if that’s what you’re asking. There has been no change on the being crazy front.’
‘I’ve noticed that you use that word a lot, crazy. And you sound angry when you say it, almost like you’re calling yourself a name.’
‘Well, everyone’s crazy these days, Dr. Singh. Adolescent sanity is so twentieth century.’
‘It sounds to me like you’re being cruel to yourself.’” (Pages 86 and 87)
The representation of the therapist and therapy in this novel is very good. Aza seems to feel neutral towards her therapist, Dr. Singh, and Green presents both her and therapy in general in a very realistic and positive way. Aza is as honest as possible with Dr. Singh, who in turn treats her with kindness and offers Aza the help and support that she needs. There is one moment where Aza groans “at the therapy bullshit” (Page 164) but this doesn’t affect the overall representation, but instead it adds to the realism of the moments in therapy.
Another thing this book does well is informing the reader of mental health services. At the back of the book there is a list of services in multiple countries so that the reader can search for help for themselves if they relate to the issues covered in the book. It is important that books that cover mental illnesses share these kinds of resources so that if a reader relates the character they can seek help for their own mental health issues.
“I wanted to tell her that I was getting better, because that was supposed to be the narrative of illness: It was a hurdle you jumped over, or a battle you won. Illness is a story told in the past sense.” (Page 85) Taken out of context, this quote seems like it could be harmful. Mental illness is not something that you can just get over, but is instead something that you learn how to manage. But, Green says this here as a way to call out other novels that portray this harmful narrative. Rather than saying that that’s how mental illness works, he is commenting on the “supposed” narrative of mental illness and how some other novels have wrongly portrayed it as “a battle you won”.
I had to stop reading just as Aza’s anxiety reaches its peak and she ends up in hospital after a car crash. Green had written Aza’s character and panic attacks so well that it actually caused my own anxiety to spike and I felt that I couldn’t continue. From looking up the rest of the novel, it looks like Aza tries new medication for her anxiety and is able to get it down to a manageable level. This is a realistic thing, as it can take a lot of trial and error before you get the right medication to help manage your mental health, so although Aza takes medication throughout the book, her struggles with her anxiety continuing does make sense.
Overall, I felt that John Green wrote a realistic and positive representation of what it is like to have OCD. Aza isn’t shamed or made fun of for her mental illness, even if it does cause tension between her and her best friend Daisy. She doesn’t miraculously recover from it, but instead we see the gradual journey of her learning how to cope and live with her OCD. I would rate it 4/5.